Surprise Guest
by Leftomaniac
Summary: Will and Lori are guests on a talk show, but they might not like what's backstage... (Three guesses who it is, and the first two don't count)


So… recently I saw the DVD version of Freddy vs. Jason, with _special features! _(Ooh, how special!) And this idea has been lodged in my brain ever since.

No own. Enjoy.

* * *

The set was a hive of activity as lackeys buzzed about, preparing for the first taping. Troy Oshu flipped through his notecards with growing excitement. He knew this would be one episode of "Surprise Guest" that would go down in history. He was sick and tired of breaking up fights between rednecks, listening to Elvis impersonators, and telling people that their girlfriends were sleeping with their brother's ex-wife's cousin's dogs. If everything went right, this episode could change his career forever. And if everything didn't go right…

He decided not to think about that. Though he _was _worried about the safety of the audience. Looking out at the crowd, he could see that it was mostly the usual rabble his show attracted. Only a few of them even seemed to have a _clue _what would make this taping different from any other. And those people were easy to pick out in the crowd. Obvious fans, wearing striped shirts and store-bought hockey masks. Someone must have leaked information about tonight's show over the internet. There were even rumors around the set that some members of the Fred Heads cult had gotten tickets. Troy prayed that they were _just _rumors, he'd already have enough to worry about.

As Troy's thoughts wound down, the cameraman signaled that taping was about to begin. Troy set down his cards and put on a brave face. _Who knows?_ he thought, _In spite of the terror and madness and constant threat of death, I might actually have…fun._

He took a deep breath. "Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the most _shocking_ show on television! You'd best grab your seats and hold onto your hats, because you never know who'll pop up on _this_ episode of…_Supriiiiiiise Guest!"_

The audience went wild as he recited his tired old tagline. "Joining me tonight are two very brave individuals, please welcome… Lori Campbell and Will Rollins!" Polite cheers came from the oblivious audience as the couple sat down next to him. Underneath the applause, Troy could detect a few subtle boos. He ignored them and continued his spiel. "Four weeks ago, these intrepid teenagers managed to fight off and escape two of the worst serial killers in history. Villains so awful, so unstoppable, that some people have claimed they had _supernatural powers!_" He scoffed a bit at the last line, acting very convincingly like he didn't believe a word of it. The audience let out a tiny giggle. _Laugh it up,_ Troy thought, _laugh it up you morons. Just wait'll you see what I've got backstage._

"Thank you for having us, Troy." Lori said. "There was so much fuss and coverup after the whole thing, we really wanted to tell our side of the story."

"Yes." Will said, turning to the audience. "But just because there was a coverup doesn't mean any of that supernatural stuff is true! So there's no need to think about it or anything."

"You want to make it clear, then," Troy said "that the two people you dealt with at Springwood were ordinary human beings?"

"That's correct." Lori said.

Troy grinned and turned to the audience. "Well, here's a couple men who might disagree with you! Mike, send in our first Surprise Guest!"

The two teenagers looked nervous. "Relax." Will whispered, "It's probably just some conspiracy nut, or something."

"From your hometown of Springwood, the dream demon _Fred Kruger!" _

The vast majority of the audience was stunned as a horribly burned man with knives on his fingers leapt from behind the curtain at the back of the stage, laughed maniacally at the audience, then struck a dramatic pose. A small group in the audience went berserk, screaming and cheering like teenyboppers at a live concert. They held up signs and threw flowers on the stage. Freddy blew dramatic kisses at his fans. Lori screamed.

Pleased with being the center of attention, Freddy sat casually down beside Troy, opposite the two teens. He winked at Lori. "Hey there, sweetheart."

Lori and Will stood up instantly, but sat back down at the forceful persuasion of two beefy bodyguards. "This was _not_ part of our deal, Oshu!" Lori hissed at Troy.

Troy didn't respond, he was far too high on the moment. "But there's more!" he cried, addressing the audience directly. "Hailing from Camp Crystal Lake, the man in the mask _Jason Vorhees!"_

Again part of the audience went wild, nearly to the point of foaming at the mouth. In contrast to Freddy's showboating, Jason was mostly unresponsive as a team of bodyguards slowly, _carefully_ guided him to a chair next to Freddy. He stared at the audience, barely comprehending the adulation he was receiving and looking disoriented by all the light and noise. Something in his waterlogged brain made a decision, and he slowly brought an arm up to wave at his fans. This received a fresh burst of cheering, and one fan fainted from the strain.

Freddy slapped Jason on the back. "How's it hanging, big guy?" he asked. Jason stared at him.

"I take it from your manner that the two of you have resolved your differences." Troy said.

"Yeah, well, we almost tangled again in Hell, but some guy with nails in his face came over and broke it up. Made some big speech about proper conduct among demons, blah, blah, blah." As Freddy talked, Jason looked around the set like an easily distracted child. "So the heap here fucking stabbed him," he thrust a thumb at Jason, "but he seemed to like that, so we eventually had to sit and 'talk it out.'" Freddy rolled his eyes. "Now _that_ was _real _Hell. But it made us remember what was really important in unlife; gutting sexy teens while they sleep. Or what have you." He folded his hands.

Will and Lori could take no more. "I can't believe you're allowing this!" Lori said to Troy.

"Really!" said Will "I mean, do you have any idea what these monsters did to our friends?"

"No, no, I really don't." Troy said, "But I know some people who do…" Will and Lori exchanged an uneasy glance as he turned to the audience once more. "Please welcome Kia Waterson, Charles Linderman, and Mark Davis! Also Gibb, Trey and Freeburg, none of whom have last names!"

To the horror of Lori and Will, a virtual parade of teenagers walked out from backstage. They all had nauseating injuries, and none of them seemed to have changed clothes since their untimely deaths. Although none of them were in very good shape, Freeburg looked the worst of all, as he was missing the lower part of his body. His intestines dragged behind him as he hopped across the stage. A trail of blood followed all of them as they filled up the remaining seats.

The two heroes gaped. Unsure of what to do, Will raised a hesitant hand to wave. "Hi guys."

Mark waved back. "Hey Will!" he said enthusiastically. Then he turned serious. "I _told_ you I wasn't crazy." As he spoke, a caption appeared on the screen, which read; _Mark Davis: The Goofy One._

At that point everyone began talking at once. Troy decided it was a good moment to go to commercial, so he could diffuse the situation before it got uncontrollable. He turned up the volume on his microphone to be heard over the babble. "And we'll be right back-" even Freddy and Jason winced at the deafening feedback. Troy turned it down a notch. "-after these messages."

He slumped back as the commercials played. "Well… that went all right."

"_All right!?_" Will and Lori cried in unison.

Troy turned to them. "Look, you signed an agreement saying you'd stay for the full half-hour. So you can either leave now and go through the whole legal battle about it, or you can play along and never have to hear of this again."

"You don't understand!" Will said. "By putting _him_ on display-" he gestured to Freddy, "-You're only making him more powerful by spreading fear about him!" 

"Believe me, kid." Freddy said, "I'm already in enough minds to wreck havoc. Just look at the idiots up there." He gestured to the fans in the audience, who, either unaware or uncaring of the fact that they'd just been insulted, cheered wildly at the sight of their idol mentioning them.

Meanwhile, the rest of the audience decided they did not want to see how this turned out, and started moving quite hastily to the exits. "I'd stop them if I were you." Freddy said threateningly to Troy. Jason nodded assent. 

Troy sweat. He didn't like forcing his audience to stay, but Freddy wasn't about to lessen his spotlight and Jason was on his side this time. Rather than increase the possibility of dying horribly before the taping was over, he pressed a panic button installed at the bottom of he seat, locking the doors. "Sorry folks," he said, standing up and raising his arms. "But for your own safety I'll have to ask that you stay in the building until the show is over. Everyone will receive a free 'Surprise Guest' t-shirt for their inconvenience."

With nowhere to go, the audience slowly filled back to their seats. "Wait a minute," Lori said. "I never agreed to stay."

"Come on, Lori" Gibb said. "It'll be interesting."

"Don't wuss out on us!" Kia added.

"Does this look like gangrene to you?" Freeburg asked, holding out part of his colon.

There was a very long pause. Will and Lori held hands. "We'll stay." said Will. "Just in case things get out of hand."

"That's the spirit, kids!" Freddy laughed. They both glared at him.

"Ten seconds, Mr. Oshu." A stagehand said, walking by.

"Let's make this a good one." Troy said, beaming back at him. He sat up straight and faced forward, as the cameraman held up five fingers, then four, three, two, one… "_Welcome back _to a very special episode of Surprise Guest!" Troy said. "I'm here with the heroes, villains and victims of the recent Springwood/Crystal Lake massacre!"

"Um… I object to the term 'victim.'" Linderman said. As he spoke a caption reading, _Charles Linderman: The Nerd,_ appeared on the screen beneath him. "I prefer 'self-defensively impaired.'"

"Silence, bitch." Freddy said.

Linderman eeped. "Yes, sir."

"You seriously need to get a new word." Gibb said. A caption that read,_ Gibb: The 'Bad Girl'_ appeared under her.

"Hey, I'll bitching say whatever the bitch I want to, bitch!" said Freddy. Gibb rolled her eyes but fell silent.

"Now that you've all met our guests, let's get some questions from the audience. Uh… you!" he pointed to one of the fans. "What do you have to say?"

The fan stepped up to the microphone in front of the stage. "Um, I have a question for Jason…" he said, "What did you consider the hardest part of killing outside of Crystal Lake?"

There was a long pause, as Jason simply stared at the fan. Then, he held up a large cardboard sign, which had, _The lack of trees to hide behind,_ written on it in an uneven, childish script.

"How did he do that?" Mark asked.

Jason continued to hold up signs. _It was really bad, 'cuz it rained all the time there._ He put that one down and held up another. _And the lack of trees made that harder to deal with._ Again, he changed signs. _And of course, I'm a namby-pamby mama's boy who's scared of a little water._ This last one was written in a violent, practiced script, different from that of the previous signs. Jason looked up at it, then threw it aside, angrily.

"What's going on?" Troy asked nervously.

"I think someone messed with his signs." said Kia. Freddy snickered. Jason loomed threateningly over him.

"What? It was funny!" Freddy said, not the least bit intimidated by the obvious height difference. They stared each other down, slowly drawing their weapons…

"No fighting! No fighting!" Troy yelled. They both turned their threatening glares to him, and he shrank back. "Please, no fighting? …_Please?_" he cringed. Reluctantly, they both sat.

Another fan stood up to the mike. "This question is for Kia and Linderman. You two seem awfully close for platonic friends. Any comment on that?"

Kia put her arm around Linderman, who blushed. "Well, there was supposed to be some romance between us, but most of the scenes of that were cut out. We still managed to get some 'alone time' though, if that's what you mean." she said. A series of hoots and catcalls rose up from the audience, even the parts of it that had tried to leave. As Kia spoke, a caption reading, _Kia Waterson: The Only Black Person in Springwood_ appeared.

"Eh." said Freddy. "Big deal. There were a lot of plot devices that never made it through."

As Freddy spoke, Jason held up a cardboard sign that said, _He molested me!_

"_I did NOT!_" Freddy screamed "That idea was never even greenlighted so just shut up about it!"

Jason flipped his sign over, revealing the word _Pervert_ written on the other side.

They argued over this for some time, while the audience baited and chanted at them, hoping for a fight. Eventually, the two undead guests had to be restrained by security. Five men held Freddy back, while twelve held onto Jason. The logistics of this were chaotic, and several guards were injured, but it soon settled down and the questions began again.

"Mark, I gotta say it," one girl said, "Your death scene was my _favorite_ part of the movie!"

"Um… thanks, I suppose." Mark replied, looking uneasily to his side.

"My question is; is it really that easy to escape from a mental hospital?"

"No, no it isn't. Some of us just make it _look_ easy." he grinned proudly.

"Hey Davis," Trey called, "Did you steal any medication while you were in there?" A caption appeared under him that read; _Trey: The Jerk_

"Don't be such an asshole, Trey." Gibb said.

"Don't you call me an asshole! I still haven't forgiven you for not coming to my funeral."

"I was _dead_ already when they had your funeral!"

"Excuses…" Trey muttered. Gibb punched him on the shoulder, causing his unstable body to fold over forward. With his spine broken, he was unable to straighten up, and his head was stuck between his knees. He said a few things that were muffled by the chair, but sounded angry.

Another fan spoke. "Freddy, would you ever consider fighting an ill-tempered meathead with a chainsaw for a hand?"

"What is this, the WWF? Get a hobby, kid." Freddy said.

"Jason," another fan said, steeping up to the mike, "I just want to say that I think it was really cool, the way Lori was going to save you in the flashback, but then she got freaked out by your ugly face and didn't."

Lori looked embarrassed. Freddy snickered. Jason just stood there, staring.

The fan continued. "I mean, it was dumb trying to get people to feel sympathy for you. You're a ugly, smelly, homicidal monster!"

Jason continued to stare. Faintly, a "ch-ch-ch, ah-ah-ah" sound could be heard in the distance. Troy nervously signaled security, but most of the bodyguards shook their heads, preferring to stay against the wall.

Oblivious, the fan continued. "So what if you _used_ to be a horrible gross freak baby? No one's going to care, and furthermore- GRKK!" 

A machete plugged the irritating fan's mouth, Jason had clearly had enough. Blood pooled from her lips and trickled down her neck, as Jason ripped his weapon out in one swift motion. All the victims winced.

"All right, that's enough!" Lori said, standing. "_You_ all may be cowed by these two," she said, gesturing to Troy and the others, "But we're not!"

"Yeah!" Will added, after a beat.

"Aww, isn't that cute." Freddy said. "The little wussy finally grew a set. Oh, and you did too, Will." He laughed. They lunged. Everything erupted into chaos. 

Screams poured out of the audience, which had apparently forgotten the doors were locked and became a trampling mob that could rival that of the Triangle Shirt Factory fire. The bodyguards that hadn't fled flapped around wildly, trying hopelessly to calm the situation. There were no longer enough of them to hold back the two monsters, however, and those didn't last long. Axes and fire arrows flew through the air, from some completely unknown point of origin. The set, the show, and most everyone in the room seemed doomed, until a tiny alarm in Troy's watch went off. Relieved, he came up from under his chair.

"Show's over, everyone!" he said.

Like a stilled frame, everything froze. Lori halted, mid-strangle. Fans stared at him while hanging from the ceiling. Freeburg lit a joint on a fire arrow, which a bodyguard immediately confiscated. All eyes were on Troy.

"I _said_,the show's over," he said calmly, pushing the button under his chair and unlocking the doors. "Great job of it, everyone. Time to go home."

The audience slowly picked itself up and shambled it's way out the doors. A few stragglers stayed, confused and curious. On the stage, everyone was still staring at Troy, until Freddy shrugged. 

"Okay. Time to go home." he said nonchalantly. An enormous hole opened in the ground, belching out smoke and a pillar of fire. Freddy and Jason started walking down the stairs located conveniently inside of it. The remainder of the audience left very, very quickly.

"Cool. Guess we'll just ascend into Heaven then," said Gibb, as she and the other victims floated upwards in a pillar of light. First her, then Linderman and Kia, who had their arms around each other, followed by Mark and Freeburg. Trey started upwards, when Jason stomped his foot, attracting his attention. He held up a sign which read, _Where do you think you're going, jerk?_

"Sorry, sir…" Trey muttered miserably, before following Jason and Freddy down to Hell. 

Will and Lori backed out slowly. "This town gets freakier and freakier every day." Lori said.

"Let's go get a cup of coffee. Or a whole pot." Will added. The portals to Hell and Heaven closed up as they left. Troy was alone on stage. Looking around, he was thankful that one of his cameramen had not run away, and made a mental note to see that the brave young man got a bonus.

"Do we still have time for the final sequence, Jimmy?" he asked.

"Joey." the cameraman corrected. "And yes, we do."

"Joey. I won't get it wrong again." Troy said. He smoothed his frazzled hair and put out a small fire on his shoulder, then smiled at the camera. "That's all for tonight folks," he said, "tune in next week when we'll be celebrating _female _homicidal monsters. Until then, lock your doors and check under your beds, because you'll just _die _when you see the _next _episode of… _Supriiiiiiise Guest!"_


End file.
